Please make sure that you visit The Hub Magazine to read my article on private label vs. national brands and then come back here if you have any comments or questions. Here’s a preview:
When it comes to cultural trends, the only thing that Americans love more than embracing new ones is declaring the death of old ones. I’d use the wonderful phrase “jumped the shark” to describe this phenomenon (John Hein’s term for identifying the point where things pass their peak, named after the Happy Days episode in which a leather-jacket-clad Fonzie water skied over a shark), but in all honesty, “jumped the shark” itself jumped the shark quite a few years ago.
This phenomenon, however, isn’t just limited to cultural trends and television shows. Everything from political parties to media vehicles are constantly being declared “over.” Eight years ago, the Democrats were deemed irrelevant while today the Republicans are being declared D.O.A. Television was supposed to replace radio, while the internet was going to kill off newspapers. (Okay, that last one might still turn out to be true.)
One of the more notable occurrences during our Great Recession has been the explosive growth of private labels. Sales and purchase intent of private labels have been growing exponentially, with no end in sight. The temptation, naturally, is to seize upon this latest trend as a sign of the end of brands.
It’s a new era! Brands are dead! The age of brands is over!
I’m not so sure about that.
As a small child I would watch my father gather up a pile of dress shirts each weekend to drop-off at the dry cleaners. They would return a few days later, neatly pressed, lightly starched, bagged and boxed. It was magical. Or so I thought.
As an adult I quickly embraced the dry cleaning culture. Although I own an iron I’ve never actually used it at home (no ironing board, no desire). Sometimes I use the iron in a hotel room, though. I like to get my money’s worth (ironing boards are free in hotels).
Everyone already knows that dry cleaners rip-off women by charging them 5 times as much as men for cleaning their shirts. Allegedly they “dry clean” female shirts which is more expensive than “laundering” men’s shirts – even though they’re made of the same material (cotton) and cut in the same shape. Yeah, right.
Well, I’m here to call BS – but not just on the unfair female mark-up. Here’s today’s not-so-crazy theory:
The unfair female mark-up at dry cleaners is a red herring. The evil dry cleaning cabal created the female mark-up precisely to distract people from the real truth, which is:
There’s no such thing as dry cleaning. It’s a myth.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Those really are dry cleaning stores that you see littered all over the country. And they really are taking your money for “cleaning” your clothes. But they’re not actually cleaning them. All they are doing is pressing them and putting them into toxic little bags.
Think about it. The whole idea of cleaning is predicated on the idea that soap plus water equals clean. The soap does the cleaning and the water gets rid of the soap. Take the water out of that equation and you can’t rinse out the soap. Take the soap out and you’re not actually cleaning anything.
So in effect, we pay people for plastic bags and cheap metal hangars. It’s a pretty good scam.
In summary, there is no such thing as dry cleaning. Perhaps if you’re looking to save a few bucks during these tough times might I recommend that you cut out your imaginary dry cleaning habit and just bring your wrinkled shirts to the nearest hotel for ironing?
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It occurred to me this weekend, after watching the film Music & Lyrics, that I have seen more Hugh Grant movies than any man rightfully should. What makes this development particularly concerning is that I have watched hardly any movies in the last eight years since becoming a parent. And yet, without even trying, I have absorbed most of Hugh’s oeuvre.
In fact, I’d estimate that between 10% and 20% of the movies that I’ve watched over the last eight years have involved Hugh Grant in some way shape or form. There’s probably an outside chance that I am the foremost living expert on Hugh Grant. And sometimes, late at night, when the rest of the world is fast asleep, I lie in bed and wonder what this says about me.
***
As a movie critic, I like to assess movies a simple rating based on their relative value. Stars and numbers are far too arbitrary for a critic of my discerning tastes.
Great movies are deemed theatre-worthy. They are well worth the cost of entry plus the cost of refreshments and the cost of the babysitter. For example, The Godfather is obviously theatre-worthy. Citizen Kane is definitely theatre-worthy. In Grantian terms, the sweet and delightful About a Boy is clearly theatre-worthy.
Good movies are deemed rental-worthy. It’s much less of an investment, both in time and money, to truck down to your local rental store and pick up a movie. I’ve even heard that people can now use the magic typing box to order rental movies that magically appear in your mailbox. Hugh’s spot on portrayal of Daniel Cleaver in the Bridget Jones’s Diary film adaptation (first one only) is a good example of a movie that isn’t good enough to watch in the theatres but is good enough to spend $5 (plus late fees) on.
Most movies fall into the average category, otherwise known as the cable-worthy class. Yes, you’re paying extra each month for HBO or Starz or Showtime but the cost is minimal and it’s built in to your cable bill. Movies on pay seem free even though you are paying extra for them. The nice thing about movies on pay cable is that they preserve the gratuitous cursing and nudity. The aforementioned Music & Lyrics falls into this category, although it sadly did not include any gratuitous nudity from Drew Barrymore.
Bad movies are considered free TV-worthy, although the endless Frank TV commercials and on-screen graphics tend to spoil any minor pleasure that one might receive from free sub-par entertainment on TBS. Even an actor as magnificent as Hugh Grant has worked on a few turkeys in his day. The execrable Nine Months is a prime example of a Hugh Grant film that you wouldn’t want to pay anything to watch but might catch on the TV. In fairness to Hugh, though, Tom Arnold was also in Nine Months and everyone knows that Tom Arnold is the kiss of death for any film.
***
I’m puzzled why Hugh Grant isn’t a bigger star. In my estimation he should probably be the biggest movie star living today. He’s British, he’s handsome, he’s in great shape, he doesn’t look his 48 years, he can play funny or jerky and he can even sing a little. He’s been in a ton of good to great movies and probably only 2 or 3 bombs.
Seriously, how could Elizabeth Hurley let a catch like Hugh Grant get away? I can’t think of one bad thing, not a single misstep in the divine career of Hugh Grant.
I guess the ways of Hollywood will always remain a mystery to me, Hugh Grant’s #1 unintentional fanboy.
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People are always asking me why I give away so many amazing ideas for free. My answer is always the same: I do it for the love, not for the gold. Worldwide fame and recognition beats a few million dollars any day.
But I have to admit that today’s idea is so good, so easy to execute and so lucrative that even I have reservations in letting it go for free. I see the site traffic that comes from NBC Universal and FOX so I know that one of you guys is going to snatch up this idea and run with it. Oh well.
I present to you…The Infomercial Channel.
What this world needs now more than ever is a 24 hour cable channel that is dedicated to celebrating the art of the infomercial. There are millions of people in this world (not even counting stoned college kids) that love watching infomercials purely for entertainment value. I know that I sure do.
I’ve even thought of some initial programming for the channel:
Ron Popeil Classics: The King of the Infomercial would host a show that played old Ronco informercials while Ron provided commentary. Who wouldn’t love to watch the Veg-O-Matic, the Chop-O-Matic or the Showtime Rotisserie (’set it and forget it’)?
Biography: A look at the lives of the most famous infomercial stars of our times, for example: Billy Mays (watch his hair get darker!), Mike with the Ugly Sweaters and glasses and the British guy with the suspenders.
Behind the Pitch: Similar to Biography, but for the more salacious characters in the infomercial world. Obviously the Vince Schlomi/ShamWow episode is already in pre-production.
Face-Off: Real “as seen on TV” products are put to the test to see if they really deliver on their promises.
The Next Infomercial Star: A reality show where regular people compete to become the next iconic infomercial pitchperson. Judges may include Ed McMahon and MC Hammer.
28 Minutes: A free-flowing discussion with infomercial experts that discusses the craft of making infomercials.
Cele-B-rity Showcase: A snarky pop-culture look at all of the B-list celebrities that have made appearances in infomercials. Now, I’m not naming names, but ‘I pity da fool’ that don’t watch Cele-B-rity Showcase!
As you can see, the programming possibilities are endless!
The best part of the Infomercial Channel is that ironically it’s commercial free! We’ll just sell blocks of time to current infomercials to fill out the schedule. So the channel will be a mix of new infomercials, classic infomercials and infomercial related content.
So what do you think? Is this an amazing idea or what??
(This essay, originally written in April of 2009, is dedicated to Billy Mays and Ed McMahon, two wonderful pitchmen who were both done too soon.)
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Yesterday, I made an innocuous tweet describing some of the highlights of my weekend, namely seeing The Black Crowes perform at the Hampton Beach Casino Ballroom and watching “The 36th Chamber of Shaolin.”*
(* Ed Note: The Black Crowes are the last of the great rock bands and “The 36th Chamber of Shaolin” is a classic Kung Fu movie that established many of the tropes of the genre and was paid homage to by Tarantino in “Kill Bill.”)
Someone replied to my tweet with the following:
musiclovesryan@mitchblum did you get to see the black crowes live? SO JEALOUS. im trying to wait patiently for their new dvd! http://bit.ly/BlackCrowesFYE
Now, I generally believe in responding to personalized tweets as that fosters the conversation. But when I clicked on musiclovesryan’s feed I noted that all of his tweets were variations on the one he sent me – a seemingly personalized message followed by a sales pitch/link. Clicking on the link, I was taken to FYE’s page for The Black Crowes’ new DVD.
Someone is clearly searching for tweets that mention The Black Crowes and is attempting to drive sales of their DVD by sending thinly-veiled sales messages. Now, I’m pretty sure that it’s not actually The Black Crowes that are behind this tactic as they are traveling hippies that don’t actually have computers. So this is most-likely a FYE-led campaign.
The interesting thing is, from a content perspective, I’m totally fine with someone seeing that I like the Crowes and letting me know that there’s a new DVD for me to buy. If the tweet came from “FYE” and just said as much I would have been cool with it.
My problem is that FYE feels the need to lie to me by having someone tweet as if they were a real person. It’s patently obvious after 30 seconds of skimming musiclovesryan’s feed that he’s a fake corporate persona. As a result, I don’t trust FYE and I won’t buy from them. I expect honesty and transparency from my partners and vendors.
FYE, may I humbly recommend that you cease with the phony “ryan” bit and just send me a tweet along the lines of: “We saw that you’re a Crowes fan. Did you know they have a new DVD coming out? Click this link to buy the DVD and we’ll give you free shipping.”
That tactic might have worked. Just saying.
I do commend you, however, on your choice of the Billy Ray Cyrus picture as musiclovesryan’s icon. Well played.
I hope I never make it inside the Admiral’s Club at the airport.
I know, that sounds crazy. Who in their right mind wouldn’t want to hang out at the Admiral’s Club when they’re waiting for their plane?
The craziest part is that I’m all for luxe living. I travel on a regular basis and I have no burning desire to be lumped in with the rest of the riff-raff (no offense).
But here’s the thing. I don’t want to go inside the Admiral’s Club because I know that it’ll just break my heart.
In my mind, the Admiral’s Club is literally teeming with Admirals and other power brokers. Behind those sliding glass doors is a veritable world of pleasure. The liquor flows freely and is always top-shelf. The massages are free; they don’t require an appointment and they come with or without aromatherapy treatments. Scores of important decisions are made inside the club: everything from IMF policy to casting decisions for next season’s crop of TV pilots.
Inside the Admiral’s Club I’ll be so stuffed from the Wagyu beef skewers that I’ll barely have room for the lobster tails. I’ll watch movies in the hi-def screening room before they’re even released in the theaters. My ipod, Blackberry and laptop will be thoughtfully charged up for me and even the little wheels on my standard-edition black wheely bag will be oiled up for smooth gliding. When I’m finally, reluctantly ready for my flight a secret pneumatic tube will effortlessly deliver me to the front of the line for boarding.
Now that’s what I call an Admiral’s Club.
In reality, I suspect that behind those sliding glass doors will be a depressing desk manned by an underpaid and overworked airline employee. They’ll be a few over-stuffed but under-comfortabled chairs facing a 27” tube television permanently set to FOX News. The only refreshments will be a basket of honey-roasted peanuts and a couple of warm cans of Mr. Pibb. If I’m lucky, I’ll find yesterday’s edition of USA Today, but the junior jumble will already have been ruined. The room will be so hot from the broken A/C that I’ll doze off and miss my flight.
See my dilemma?
It reminds me of when I was a boy and I was completely convinced that women’s rooms truly were lounges – spacious, filled with comfy loveseats and flattering lighting. Of course, I was shattered when I learned that women’s rooms were exactly like men’s rooms, except there was an extra stall replacing the urinals.
Eventually, reality always wins. So in the case of the Admiral’s Club I’m going to hold onto my imagination for just a little while longer. Next time you’re at the airport look for me. I’ll be the guy not in the Admiral’s Club with a dreamy, wistful look on his face.
The other day I returned home from a long day of making the marketing to find my front steps littered with about a dozen business cards. This isn’t the first time that it’s happened and it certainly won’t be the last. Many local businesses (painters, delivery restaurants, handymen, etc.) seem to rely exclusively on the one-two marketing punch of yellow pages and flyers.
It’s not a sophisticated technique, but going door to door in your local trading area and distributing flyers to generate awareness and stimulate trial of your company makes excellent sense. The cost is low and there’s practically no downside. Technology has made it increasingly easy and cheap to design and print business cards, flyers or menus.
But all companies, large and small, should always make sure that their message isn’t undermined by the delivery of the message.
The cleaning company that covered my steps with their business cards won’t ever get the chance to prove to me that they’re a good cleaner with competitive rates and conscientious customer service. They might actually be all of those things. But who would hire a cleaner that’s proven themselves to be adept at making – rather than cleaning up – messes?
I’ve never read the book “Fight Club,” nor have I seen the movie. Nonetheless, I’m well aware of the fact that the first rule of fight club is that there is no fight club.
That’s my first problem.
Recently, a building in the picturesque New England town where I reside underwent a minor transformation. What was previously an abandoned hair salon (according to the faded letters on the door) became an abandoned hair salon with some sort of plastic tarp covering up the large front windows. Now, I’m generally not a big fan of the abandoned-hair-salon-with-tarps-taped-to-the-windows look but this one piqued my interest for some unknown reason. Each day, as I drove past the former salon, I would steal a glance or two in a vain attempt to figure out exactly what was going on in there.
First, I saw a refrigerator and a hot water heater. Interesting. Next, I spied some clothing and racks. Intriguing. Finally, I noticed some free weights and dumbbells. My mind quickly jumped to three possible conclusions: illicit repair shop, underground boutique, or storage facility. These were all reasonable explanations but they were all too safe for my liking. I knew there was more to this story and I was determined to crack the case wide open.
A few weeks went by with no action. But like most cases, I got a solid lead right when I was starting to give up hope.
Never give up hope, kids. That’s the real lesson of this tale.
It was a warm spring day. The kind of warm spring day that makes you wish that it was slightly earlier in spring. Driving by the former salon I noticed right away that something was different. The door was open! I discreetly pulled over to get a better look.
Inside were a group of men. I’d call them thuggy looking men, but that would be judgmental of me. From what I could see, a few of these men were actually lifting the weights. As suspected, this was no innocent storage facility. To make matters worse, a couple of the hooligans looked like they were itching for a fight. And that’s when it hit me. Fight Club. The abandoned salon was a real life fight club!
The evidence was overwhelming. Tarps on the windows, weightlifting and ruffians: the three classic signs of a Fight Club. But evidence wouldn’t be enough this time. I’d need proof!
That’s my second problem.
You see, I really want to break this story. Think about my credibility as a journalist if I could prove the existence of a Fight Club on the North Shore of Boston! I’d be huge. We’re talking international celebrity here. But how can I prove it?
My problem is that I’m not really that good at fighting. Sure, I earned my green belt in karate back in 1984, but these days I prefer the art of verbal sparring. And I’m pretty sure that the only way to get into a Fight Club is to fight your way in. Otherwise, they’d just deny that it’s a Fight Club, per the aforementioned rule.
So there you have it. I’m almost positive that I’ve discovered a real live Fight Club but I need a little help in proving it. If you’re interested in this assignment (and half the credit!) please feel free to contact me and I’ll slip you the address.
Fight Club! Fight Club!
With performance review season nearly upon us, I am reminded of the many reviews that I’ve received over the years. While some were long, formal affairs with elaborate corporate forms and others were short verbal conversations, I always learned a lot about myself – or at least how others viewed me – through those evaluations. Performance reviews, while painful to deliver and receive, are quite necessary to the health of an organization and your career.
But the biggest problem that I have with reviews is that they tend to focus on what people need to improve instead of focusing on what they do well.
Obviously there are minimum standards for performance in all areas of the communications industry that need to be achieved. To a certain extent, training programs can help people learn how to write, how to present and how to execute work. Mentors can teach youngsters how to carry themselves and how to manage challenging situations.
But our business is one of strategy and ideas. It’s about charisma and relationships. In many ways, the most important skills for a communications professional are inherent skills. If you practice hitting jump shots every day for years eventually you’re going to be a decent (or at least improved) shooter. But all of the training programs in the world aren’t going to help you come up with compelling ideas if you don’t have any. Either your brain is wired that way or it isn’t.
That’s why I like to focus on what people do well. Our business needs thinkers AND executors. It needs relationship builders AND deft financial planners. If you can help people identify what they’re good at – and put them in a position to succeed – then they’ll be happier and more valuable to the organization.
Think positive this review season!
While the world certainly doesn’t need another blog about marketing I feel that it is incumbent upon all marketing professionals to actively participate in “the conversation.” And while I’ve been active in the virtual world for many years I wanted to dedicate this space exclusively to my observations and philosophies about marketing.
As you can read in the bio section, I’ve been a Boston-based marketing professional for over 16 years. In that time I’ve had the great fortune to work for three of the best agencies in the world: Arnold, Mullen and Marketing Drive, in both account services and strategic planning, on some of the best-known brands in the world. Additionally, I’ve also performed scores of voice-overs for a variety of commercial and corporate projects. I believe that this unique combination of experiences has provided me with a diverse and holistic perspective on advertising, marketing and promotions.
Working in marketing is the most interesting, exciting and enjoyable career that one could pursue. Even after all of these years I’m still amazed by how impressive, smart and creative the people that work in agencies are. I love meeting new clients and learning all about their business. I find the intersection of marketing, media and culture fascinating. I couldn’t imagine doing anything else for a living.
I hope that you’ll find my essays and tweets informative or at least thought-provoking. I apologize in advance if they come off as overly pedantic. While there’s a beauty in the brevity that comes with being limited to 140 characters, that concision sometimes comes at a cost.
Good marketing should entertain and inform. It should sell product and build brands. It should appeal to us emotionally and rationally. I’m going to attempt to do the same thing here, but please let me know if you disagree with anything I say.
Thank you.
P.S. If you’re looking to hire a leading promotional marketing agency that will discover and activate unexpected opportunities to build your brand’s business, please drop me a line and I can tell you all about the great work that we’re doing at Marketing Drive. If you’re looking for voice-over talent that can deliver your copy with passion and precision, please listen to my work and get in touch with me. And if you’re looking for both I’m sure we can work out a great package deal!
